Saturday morning. 4:22 am. I have to pee. Dammit. 4:22 am and I have to get up. So I get up. Pee. Go back to bed. The birds are up. Up and twittering and chirping and generally making themselves a nuisance.
I am a very poor modern human. I live dawn to dusk all year ‘round. If the birds are up at 4:22 then so am I up with the imminent dawn. Likewise if they aren’t up until 7:51 it is torture getting out of bed at half six.
Unfortunately there is no bear in my bed to entertain me until a more civilised hour. I call SD my bear because his is so big and warm and nice to cuddle up with. We are not together this weekend. I am going up to his for the long weekend so this is the last weekend I have to get my shit together before going to Portugal.
To be honest I think we needed the break. He has been at my place 9 or 10 days out of the last 14 and for two people who are used to their own space that can be a little wearing in my tacky little place. This in itself worries me. If I was really in love surely space would not be a consideration as long as he was in it. I also feel bad for SD when he is here. No TV to unwind in front of. He walks into town for a pint and pick things up for dinner while I am at the gym but they aren't his people at the pub. It isn't his local where he can catch up on news and bump into friends. He doesn't have anything like an interest that he can bring down with him to do. His rowing machine is not particularly portable.
I did miss him this morning.
When we spoke last night he was planning to go into work. This made me feel bad because if I had gone up to his as I should have he would not have considered it. It is silly to feel bad I know. I flatter myself that he has nothing better to do.
I send him a cheeky text and get up.
I had plenty to do. I did some writing, looked at few blogger template tutorials, made some notes for an article on cross stitch, washed, dressed, scrubbed the floors. All before 9 AM. No text from SD by then. Which is unusual. It then occurred that I hadn’t had a good a good night text from him either.
All of a sudden I am really annoyed. Then a bit worried.
I go for a five mile walk. I feel better. I can see the buds on the trees and blossoms coming out and then that sure sign of spring: the Bumble Bee.The little fuzzy fellows were bumbling around everywhere. About two miles from home I have to cross the street. There is a median in the middle where I have to wait for the traffic. And there at my feet is a lovely big bumble bee.
He was obviously stunned from being caught in the slip stream of a car. I can’t leave him there. He will get squished. He won’t get across the street to the trees by himself. A car will get him. So I scoop him up thinking he will be stunned and harmless. The plan is to set him down in the trees on the other side of the street.
All of a sudden there is a very angry indignant buzz and a very sharp pain in the fleshy part of my thumb.
The little furry sonofabitch STUNG me.
I open my hand and he flies off into the trees and I have to walk two more miles with a very painful hand.
When I get home there is still nothing from SD. All of a sudden I am annoyed again. And worried. And a little bit sad. I am worried about SD and I. Yes the distance is bad. It makes life complicated and we really have to work that bit harder making sure we stay in touch when we can’t be together.
But it is more than that. Despite the pleasure we take in each other’s company our lifestyles are out of sync.
At noon after I have got home and had lunch I finally text him asking him if he is dead, hung over, or just mad at me. I get a text about three hours later that specifies option B. He had just got out of bed at that point.
I felt worse than I did about the going into work thing. If I had been there he would not have done what he did. We would have gone out maybe but would have been in bed by a reasonable time and been up and out by ten doing something.
He calls me a minute later and laughs it off but I still get the impression that he knows he has done something I disapprove of. I try not to sound judgemental but I still find myself saying things that I hate myself for. And that annoys me more. That I now feel bad about myself. The nagging disapproving girlfriend when I am not like that.
So that is three times in one day that I have felt bad about myself. Felt bad that unless I am with him he can’t keep from doing something self destructive. Felt bad that that I have said something judgemental. But when I see someone I care about doing things that seem self destructive to me how can I approve of that?
For so many years my life was so negative. It has been a hard fight to turn it around and make it positive. So when something has caused me to feel bad about myself three times in one day I know it is time to stop and take stock. I don't expect it to be ALL good ALL the time but if there is something that doesn't look to be improving then it either needs to get better or get out.
SD is something very positive in my life but there are times, like this one, that I just don‘t know what to do about him. He is a gorgeous guy. When I tell my mom about the things he does that I shamefully take for granted she always says he sounds like such a great guy.
And he is. He would do anything to help anyone. I know if I am in trouble I can call him and I think that if I were in real trouble he would not think twice about getting in his car and coming to me no matter how far it was.
But I can’t help feeling that maybe, as positive an influence that I have been in his life for so little a time, it is too late for him. It isn’t that people don’t change. I am evidence of that. I changed because if I hadn’t I would be dead by now. And it isn’t even really that I have changed. I just changed how I see myself. But you can’t change that for someone else.
He has established a pattern where there has not been much besides work and beer in his life and he is surrounded by people who have the same pattern. I think the surgery disrupted a recently begun effort to change. In June, before we got together, he had started walking and hiking again. He volunteered at a community project. Got outside himself. He looked tanned and healthy and trim. You could tell that he really felt good about himself.
But with the injury he was forced to be inactive for several months. He fell back into himself. There was an incident at work early in the year that, without the therapeutic effect of exercise, took a lot out of him. All he had was the previous negative pattern to help him deal with it. When we are together he seems self conscious that he has put on a bit of weight and is out of condition. I know what that feels like but know that if I say anything it will make him defensive. I just encourage anything positive he does for himself.
I flatter myself again that until I came along he did not do a lot of positive things for himself. His walking and volunteer work were obviously so good for him but I don't know if anyone ever told him so. And he needed to be told.
On the phone with him I try to sound ironic. But I don’t sound impressed. I believe that the word ‘disappointment’ actually came out. It is in a tone that allows SD to not take it seriously but I wish he could admit that what he does is self destructive and come to terms with why he does it. I would hate for him to think that he some how doesn‘t deserve a good life but I actually think that is what he still believes in spite of all he says that he has dealt with the past and come through it OK.
I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but I see so much of myself in him. Myself as I was five years ago.
Case in point:
We were in the kitchen early one morning and he was making tea and I was getting my shredded wheat.
He steals a wheatie out of the bowl and scoffs it dry. Looks sheepish.
I say Would you like a bowl? I got lots! Breakfast is good for you. I have yogurt!
He declines saying That’s what I’m afraid of
What? of yogurt? I ask
No, he says, That breakfast is good for me.
Why would someone be afraid of something that is good for them unless they felt they didn’t deserve it. SD does deserve things that are good for him. He is a good person.
And it isn’t just the one self indulgent night out that bothers me. We’ve all been there. It is the fact that if I had been with him he would not have done it. Eventually he will resent this. That he has to do something different and against his regular inclinations when we are together instead of doing his own thing.
He told me last week that he enjoys our weekends together because we go out and do stuff. Even if it is just going to the mall to get a birthday card. We often go for a walk somewhere or a drive. It doesn't really matter what anymore because we are together and that is what matters.
It is what he does day to day to himself, even when we are together, that breaks my heart. It is compounded by the fact that he also smokes. Smoking I can understand though. It is an addiction. He has been doing it since he was nine. I can relate to addiction from my experience coming off the medication. But not this other thing.
Most people would look at it and think nothing of it. I enjoy a pint myself. But one or two on the weekend. Not five or six every night. It doesn't affect his personality but the health implications are more than I can bear. And if it doesn't change soon I know it will get worse. To the point where it does affect him, and his life, his work, and his physical well being.
Part of it is a cultural thing. He only does what is normal for the people around him. But that presents the original problem. His culture won’t change and soon he won’t want to spend evenings at home with me or come out dancing. If I could just get him to TRY the dancing!
We are all adults here. We all make our own decisions. But when someone I care about makes decisions that are harmful to himself I find myself saying those nagging disapproving girlfriend things I hate myself for.
I spoke to my mum and she played devil's advocate. I think they are afraid of me having anything negative in my life because it will hurt me. They are so proud of how I have gotten myself together and manage my illness. They know what a strong person I am and how I might want to give some of that strength to someone else without wanting anything in return. They are afraid of me wearing myself out on a lost cause and getting hurt.
There are radiators and there are drains she says to me. And you are a radiator. You need another radiator.
Mum was quite surprised when I told her about the problem. Not surprised that there was a problem. She had the feeling for a while that there was something off. She was surprised because from what I tell her about SD she thinks he is a lovely man. Lovely because he obviously cares deeply for me and helps me and does wonderful things for me. Maybe I don't tell him that often enough.
SD is worth saving even if I am not the one to do it. I need to confront him with this. To even try to get him to admit that he needs saving may be futile. I dread it. I have searched and searched my heart and even if the confrontation means it is over at least I will have said what I need to say. To tell him I love him and that he is worth saving but if he wants to be saved the only person who can save him is himself.
It is Sunday afternoon now. After talking to the 'rents I cried. Cried because I know in my heart there is nothing else for it. I don't want to hurt SD. I think he has had enough of that in his life. I also don't want to act with out being sure. So much of my life has been determined by faulty chemistry. I want to make sure that if I do something irrevocable it is the right thing and not an impulse driven by hormones or neuro-transmitters.
If I am I this upset I have to start admitting to myself that I love SD. Whatever it is I say and do it will be done with love. He deserves nothing less than honesty from me. Honesty and respect. I love him and it breaks my heart to see him doing something so self destructive because he believes that is the best he deserves.
I know I can't change him. He started down a positive path last summer and that was disrupted. I can't give up until I do all I can do to see him set himself on that path again. Even if it is just to point the way and hope that when he has walked that path for a while our roads meet once again.
What it comes down to is that I want him in my life but he can't be in my life if it is going to affect my mental health in a negative way. I cannot have the pain of watching someone I love slowly kill himself. That would destroy my own soul.
The spark I felt when he walked into the room, that little skip of the heart, I never felt with any one and I don't think that it is something that happens that often in this world. He is such a special person and I wish he could see it. Maybe I don't tell him that enough either.
He has taken some very positive steps that make me believe that he wants a change in his life. He has started exercising. He got his passport. He booked a holiday and is going away on his own for the first time in 12 years. He has started opting for salads in the evenings. I am so proud of him for doing these things not just because they are good for him but because he has done them for himself. It gives me hope. When I no longer have any hope then that is when I will need to ask myself what I am doing.
Thanks goodness for my family. They love and support me no matter what. And even though mum is disappointed by this one thing in him she told me that SD has been so good for me. That he does things for me that many other boyfriends wouldn't and, after I explain all the circumstances, she agreed that he has demonstrated a genuine desire to make a positive change for himself and isn't doing it just because of me.
After talking it over with her I am going to leave it until May. I am going up to his for Easter and we are going to have a really great time just because we are together. Going to help him sort out his garden. I helped the Easter Bunny put together a very special Tunisian Vacation basket for him. Got my refund from EasyJet and can take him out for his favourite Chinese meal. He is not going to go away on his first vacation in over a decade with doubts or an upsetting experience to ruin it.
He will be in no doubt that I do love him and that he deserves to be loved and to have a happy healthy LONG life. We will need to deal with this issue of lifestyles fairly soon and what the outcome will be I don't know. I do know, and I have written this before, that if SD and I had never gotten together I would regret that more than any heart break that might follow. It has been a privilege to know him and I am honoured that he has chosen to care about me.
The bee sting has turned out to be nothing. Not even a mark. I wonder where the bee is now and what it thinks happened. I couldn’t have left him there to die and after all I am not hurt. If I saw another one I would do the same thing. It's just the way I'm wired.
0 comments:
Post a Comment