To The One I Love

I know that my face is probably pretty serious right now but I don't want you to be worried or scared or anything. I wrote down everythig I wanted to say to you because I knew that if I didn't I would forget things and it would come out all wrong. It has always been easier to express myself this way and I wanted this to come out in the best way.

So please let me say everything I have to say even though I know you will want to interupt.

I want to start off by saying that I love you and I want you to know and believe that I love you.

I know that it has taken me a long time to say this and there is a reason for that that I am going to tell you about but I could not say everything I have to say here with out telling you I love you and making sure that you know that everything I am about to say is being said because I love you and I want you to be happy and live a long healthy happy life. I would like to look into my future and see you there.

It has been difficult for me to say this because there is one thing that you do that makes it very difficult for me to make a long term emotional investment in our relationship. But I have decided that I do want to make this investment and that I am willing to do what it takes if you will help me to make it work. I hope that what I say now will help us have a future together.

You know how I say that if you are not healthy you are no good to me? I am being serious now and I mean emotionally as well as physically healthy. And there is this thing you do that is not emotionally healthy and is eventually going to make you physically unhealthy. It is creating a distance between us that I am not sure I am going to be able to continue to cross.

It is your alcohol consumption. I know that part of it is a social thing for you but after knowing you for this amount of time and seeing how much you have day to day I feel that you may have a problem with it. It breaks my heart.

For so many years I think you have been afraid of living and that you have not felt good about yourself and that this habit might make you feel good but with out feeling good about yourself.

You are a very special person. Way back last year when I first remember meeting you whenever you walked into the room my heart would make a little skip in my chest. I don't think that is something that comes along in this life very often. You have made me feel so cherished and special.

I have been trying to encourage you and let you know that it is ok for you to live and be happy and do good things for yourself. You have already done so many good things for yourself. These were your decisions. It takes a strong person make those decisions.

This one thing that you do is probably part of a pattern that you established maybe years ago to cope with how you felt about yourself and I believe that until you change this it will not be possible for you to be as free of the past as you can possibly be. I can relate to self destructive behaviour and I know seeing it for what it is and choosing a different path can be scary and exhausting. 

You sometimes say you should or would like to cut down on it which makes me believe that you don’t feel good about yourself because of it. It would make me so happy if you could cut down or quit but I think it would make you so much happier too. And make you feel good about yourself. You are a strong, considerate, and thoughtful person and you are a light in my life. In many lives.You don’t need to be afraid of life or of being happy. You are strong enough to be happy and face life without being dependent on anything.
I know I have said before that I have been afraid that our lifestyles are very different but it is more than that. This is really starting to affect how I see the future for us.

I could not go on any longer with out telling you how much I love you and want you to be happy. Maybe you don't see what I see. I see you start at 6 and not stop until you go to bed and I cannot go on much longer watching you do this to yourself. It is so self destructive. It hurts my heart to think that you believe you deserve nothing better or that you can't feel good with out it.

I love and support you and I hope that you can understand what I have said and that I am here for you if you want my help. I don’t want to change you. I want you to be yourself. The strong, independent person that has so much to offer the world and so many things to enjoy. I know you are damaged and there is nothing you are I or anyone can do about that. Just like me.But you can overcome it and have already done so much to help yourself overcome it.

You have made such a huge difference in my life. I didn't know what was missing until you came along. I want you to see in yourself what I see in you: that you are a good, kind, generous, strong person. I want to look into the future and see you there and with this one thing that is becoming very difficult for me to do.

This is because it is starting to affect my own emotional health which is, at best, fragile. I know that this seems very selfish but I have worked so hard to beat depression and be healthy and I have to protect that. It is very hard to watch someone I love keep doing something that is so harmful to himself. I could not go on with out saying something and hope that you understand how concerned I am about you and myself and our relationship. I love you and I want us to be together and will do what it takes to help you with this if you decide you need it.

Maybe it is a decision you didn’t even know you had to make and like everything else this has to be up to you but I needed to tell you all of this so that maybe you would decide to do this next and important positive thing for yourself. To let you know that the decisions you make affect the people who love you.

You probably have a lot to say now. I hope that you are not angry and that you can see this as an expression of sincere concern and love. I know some of it may have hurt your feelings and I am so sorry to have to hurt you in anyway. I think you have had enough of that in your life. I want only the best things in life for you and if I have to say hurtful things in order for you to see that then I have no regrets. And as much pain as this may cause me I would have regretted it forever if we had never been together.