Of Boys and Men: even-star Has a Moment, Is Stuck In Between

SD and I can't be together this weekend.

200 miles is complicated at best. I am still not sure how I ended up in this 'arrangement'.
This is how I know that I love SD:

(Talking to my mom on the phone last week)

the Mom: So is SD coming down this weekend?
Me: no he was down last week remember. I am going up to his.
the Mom: is it a long weekend or something
Me: no
The Mom: do you have a meeting on the Friday up there?
Me: nope
the Mom: so you are only going to be there like a day and half
Me: well, yeah. It is only fair we trade off weekends
the Mom: gees, it must be love.
Me: it does seem like quite a long way to go just to get laid
the Mom: Dad! Do you want to speak to your daughter?
the Dad: Be right there. What is she up to?
the Mom: she's getting laid

And indeed it does seem quite a long way to go just to have sex. I mean, there is tons of sex going in my own neck of the woods. If that was all I was interested in I could be saving a fortune in gas money.

My dad asked if SD like paid for my gas when I went up to see him and I said no.

SD and I are not a million miles apart in our salaries. If he was making say twice or half as much again as I did then maybe he would be coming down here more often or helping me fill my tank. But he doesn't. I was actually quite shocked at his salary knowing how skilled, knowledgeable, and hard working he is.

He has to come down here more often on business than I have to go up to his office and he does get paid for that. But in the end that is still wear and tear on his car for work. And he does treat me so well when we are together.

He spoils me in fact. Takes me to lunch and dinner and drives me around and cooks me steak and brings me wine and flowers and helps me in the garden.

But I won't lie. Living from weekend to weekend is sometimes hard. Well actually there is no sometimes about it. It just is what it is. Which I am not sure what it is. Exactly.

sigh

Monday to Friday is this weird sort of gap. SD and I have a life together but it only exists on Saturday and Sunday. The rest of the time is the in between where I am just me on my own trying to get things done.

It is like living two lives and not enough time for either.

I am sort of looking forward to having a weekend to myself because there are things I can do on my own that I wouldn't do if we were together. But I also miss SD and want us to be together because the stuff that we do when we are together is also great.

Living as far apart as we do we both do give up a lot to be together. The seven or eight hours a week in the car is simply dead time. If we had the option of week day time together then weekends could be split up into own time and together time. We could do our Saturday morning things like shopping and laundry and then meet up after lunch.

There would be no in between. It would just be life.

But it isn't like that and I am beginning to wonder how much longer we can go on with it. Living two lives. Being stuck in the in between.

And what decision will we make. Together or as individuals.

I look at my life now and for all it would be great to have more time my life would be less for not having SD in it right now.

Some how he makes me happy. Sometimes I just like looking at him. He can be very serious and mature, especially about his work, and he knows how to do so amazing things but he is also in many ways a big kid. It has rubbed off a bit on me and I have shed some of the reserve and seriousness that used to isolate me.

We drove out to see the people who will be firing my work. They have this big country house and huge studio and as we pulled in the drive this gorgeous black dog came bounding up to meet us.

SD jumped out of the car and the dog jumped on him and he just started to play and run around with it even before we introduced ourselves. He was so uninhibited and unselfconcious. The light in his face was so beautiful. I could see the boy I never knew. The boy who helped his father build an animal sanctuary every weekend since he was nine. The boy who loved the outdoors and working with his hands and bonfires and his BMX. The boy yet undamaged by a tragic mistake and disappointment and all the graft and monotony of routine, bills, and responsibilities that make someone a man.

It was a moment so bitter sweet to see the heart I love so utterly exposed for what it is. The boundless loving laughing guileless heart of a boy.

Sometimes I wonder if there are times when he sees in me the little girl who used to dance, play with her animals, swim in the river at high tide and come home with seaweed in her hair.

What lights up my face in an unguarded moment. Do I even have them.

SD lives two lives too it seems. The life of the man who works hard and worries about bills and deadlines and his waist line and carries a weight from the past on that beautiful heart. And the life of the boy who loves dogs, faffing about in the kitchen, burning the prehistoric weeds in his garden, and tickling my feet.

For SD I think I am the in between. He is starting to find a balance. Time for work. Time for himself. Time for me. Time for the boy and time for the man.

And what will we do? SD and I. About the in between.

I still don't know.

I do know that my bed will be cold tonight when I would rather have it warm. That I will be making coffee for one tomorrow morning when I would rather it would be for two. I won't laugh as much or talk as much or live as much as when we are together.

But laundry must be done. Stitches must be stitched. Garden weeded and groceries bought.

There is always so much to do in between.